Final Thoughts on Change

There is a song by One Republic that sums up this month's challenge for me. Part of the lyrics to Stop and Stare say:

"Stop and stare
I think I'm moving, but I go nowhere
Yeah, I know that everyone gets scared
But I've become what I can't be"
One Republic 2007

I was something I couldn't be. I could see where I wanted to be, but not how to get there, partly because I didn't know where I was. Blogging this month about change helped me identify what was missing. The harder I tried, the more resistant to change I became. Deep down inside, I knew that and changed my focus for the year. It helped, but not enough. Now to buck up, let go and move on.

p.s. Sorry I've come across as so grumpy--that is what happens when you resist changes that are necessary in your life!

The Change

I figured out what to do for the TIF April challenge. In the end it was one of those duh moments brought on by yet another you guessed it--hot flash! Hah, here I sit, going through 'the change' and and it was right in front of me all along. My initial idea had to do with emotion more than anything. This will work with my initial concept. Watch this space, you'll see what I mean as I go along! Hopefully it will work the way I envision. The last two haven't, so we'll see.

Change (Will Do You Good)

Our challenge for this month is "how do you see change?" I have a love/hate relationship with change. There are two types of change that we can encounter in our lives. The first is much easier to deal with. These are the changes we initiate ourselves. We decide what to do, how and when. These are life events that we have a measure of control over. How we cope is often easier as we've weighed the pros and cons carefully before embarking on the 'adventure'.

The second change we encounter is the true measure of how we deal with change, and is the deeper, harder version. This is the version life itself throws at you--the kind with grief attached as we learn to deal with losses or unexpected change. Sudden death or unforeseen accidents bring change that is often unwelcome, always unanticipated, and therefore can be harder to deal with.

My life started on a note of change. My family had very recently gone through the death of both my dad and his father in an accident. The tragic accident occurred only three months before I was born, so I grew up with the knowledge that change is inevitable. To emphasize the point, I lost my mother in another tragic accident shortly before my fourteenth birthday. So I'm no stranger to change. That is where the hate part of the relationship comes in. I hate these kinds of changes. I'm a Scorpio. I love intensely and deeply, and the loss of those I love cuts like a knife. It is all part of change, the seasons of life etc, but I still deeply miss those I love.

Sharon's challenge strikes me as one of life's little ironies. I'd been thinking of this topic since Saturday when I was propositioned by a fellow I've known for a couple of years. His 'request' caught me rather off guard, so I waffled. Sensing it, he told me he wouldn't ask me again if I said no. Hum, blackmail. That never works with me. I'll dig in my heels instead. Which is what happened. Should have been the end of that, but instead, I found myself wondering what would have happened if I'd made that 'change' in my status of happily single and let him come home with me instead.

Frustrated with myself (partly because I'd said no and couldn't decide if it was only a fear of change), I decided to get a hair cut. Well, I really only wanted a trim--I'm rather attached to my long red hair--so specified that the length wasn't to be trifled with. And came home in tears with shoulder length hair. OMG six inches! That was when I read Sharon's posting on change. Guess sometimes I handle change with equanimity. Some times, it is a bit more challenging. I almost decided to do a quilt with six inches of symbolic red curls, but maybe not. After all, it is only hair and will grow back.