The Reservoir

I subscribe to a blog called the Happiness Project. I came across it at a point in time when things felt a bit bleak for me. Most of my life I've been a cheerful person, but the last few years have tried me almost to the breaking point. Although a number of things that occurred are by no means the worst I've experienced in my life, they felt like almost insurmountable odds.

Then today, she posted this quote from Samuel Johnson:

It is a common mistake on the part of cooler, self-contained natures to assume that those who have a giving and ebullient character are what they are only because they cannot help it—that they are fed from a spring that will never stop rather than a reservoir that can be exhausted. Hence the feeling of stark disbelief or unpleasant shock on the part of others when the reservoir of effort and energy—for it turns out to be a reservoir—is almost gone….the principal reward for those who give lavishly rather than meagerly is the expectation that they remain true to form and continue to give.

And burst into tears. Yep, now I understand. Hum, now to figure out how to refill the well. I think my trips to Argentina are the beginning of that renewal. I felt the best I've felt in years during my last trip.

I try now to limit time spent around those that would drain that reservoir. Like Johnson said, those without the reservoir would drain us completely dry without thought to our own emotional energy. Because they think our energy/joy is limitless, they don't think to help us renew. Ask me how I know.

I used to be the ebullient person. And I remember every day what I've lost and how badly I want to be me again.

The World According to Seuss

Because I like it when the people around me are happy, the odd time I need a smack upside the head reminding me that I'm not responsible for other people's happiness. There is one person I know that is never happy with... well, my existence. This individual has said things that have ruined one relationship and possibly damaged others. To repair the one relationship, I'd have to say things best left unsaid. Defend myself by cutting another person down? Not going to happen. But as a result there is a trail of hurt feelings and confusion (or at least in my mind).

Then the other day I ran across this quote by Dr. Seuss:

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind."

Yeah. That's it. Sometimes I forget not to care what certain individuals think about me. Being who I am in this situation, without all the walls and barriers I've created to keep myself safe... wow, that's a challenge. Is it worth the risk? Certainly, if it repairs that one broken relationship.

And right now, I've actually got nothing to loose.